Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl is the second theme-park ride turned big-screen feature, following the ridiculously unnecessary The Country Bears and preceding the probably unnecessary Haunted Mansion with Eddie Murphy (the trailer for that is attached to Pearl). I was excited to see it, mostly because I really like Johnny Depp, enjoyed director Gore Verbinski's previous three features (even The Mexican), and have had many a naughty dream about Keira Knightley.

Got to the screening, and yo ho ho and a bottle of...hey, wait a minute. I hate pirate movies. What the hell am I doing here? Maybe it's just me, but being born after the whole Errol Flynn thing was over and having to deal with stuff like Cutthroat Island, Hook and Muppet Treasure Island (The Goonies doesn't count, okay?) doth not a pirate fan make.

Pearl is set in the 18th century and opens with a prologue that shows the Swann family making the transatlantic journey from England to the New World. They encounter a ship destroyed by pirates and manage to rescue an unconscious pirate boy, whose special pirate medallion is swiped right off his little pirate body by young Elizabeth Swann.

Flash forward a dozen or so years and former pirate boy Will Turner (Orlando Bloom, The Two Towers) is now an expert blacksmith and part-time Justin Timberlake impersonator, while Elizabeth (Knightley, Bend It Like Beckham) – the daughter of Governor Weatherby Swann (Jonathan Pryce) – is the unenthusiastic recipient of a marriage proposal from a snooty commodore (Jack Davenport). When Elizabeth faints and takes a spill into the drink thanks to a tight corset, she's rescued by the swishy Jack Sparrow (Depp, From Hell), a renowned marauder of the seas.

Sparrow is rewarded with a trip to the brig, but not before catching a glimpse of Elizabeth's desirable booty (the medallion, stupid!), which sets off a whole chain of zany pirate-related activity, specifically pertaining to Will's medallion and its importance to the Black Pearl, a legendary ship whose crew were cursed to exist in that strange state in which you're not quite dead but not entirely alive, either. They look normal, except when the moonlight hits them and then they resemble Imhotep from The Mummy, which is funny because that film was also too long and totally unsatisfying. Speaking of totally unsatisfying, Pearl screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio penned brain dead summer fare like The Mask of Zorro and Godzilla as well.

Disney's first-ever PG-13 film would have been a complete nightmare if it weren't for Depp, whose character is an unholy melange of Captain Morgan, Dudley Moore, Keith Richards and Andy Dick. In addition to facing down the Black Pearl's captain (Geoffrey Rush, Frida) in a battle to see who could chew up the most scenery, Sparrow spends most of the picture playing both sides (ahem!) in the many, many double-crosses. And speaking of playing both sides, that's just what Disney and Verbinski (The Ring) do. In an attempt to make Pearl a family adventure, they tone down the violence and up the goofiness but keep the adult running time, making the whole thing too long for kids and not sophisticated enough for able-minded grownups. How many times can a fake eye popping out of a guy's head be funny?